Edit: For the second week in a row I posted right after Matthew. Sorry, Matthew. Here’s his post which is actually about football and real teams.
The Pac-12 showed well in their non-conference games last week, winning all of them. None of the early games set us up for the night-cap of USC-WSU. It’s been 4 days and I still don’t know what to say about that game.
This week brings a tougher test to Pac-12 teams as the non-conference slate of games is nearing an end. With that in mind, if you have any ideas on contests you’d like to see the mascots face-off in put them in the comments! If you don’t, you’ll be stuck with my boring ideas.
For now, you get this week’s match-ups. No, these aren’t the football teams that I think are going to win. I pick the mascots that would win in a fight!
UCLA Bruins at Nebraska Corn-Huskers – 9 A.M. Saturday
In the past, I’ve talked about how I like it when mascots fit the region that they are in. Nebraska definitely did that, but at what point does it become a fault? At what point does a regional relevant mascot become a dumb mascot? Nebraska probably passes that line. Yes, we don’t think about Nebraska having a dumb mascot now because it’s been around for a long time but if Nebraska had just now decided that their mascot would be a Corn-Husker we all would be laughing and making snarky comments on Twitter. Also, at what point do you become a Corn-Husker? I’ve husked corn. Am I a corn husker? Is there a certain amount of hours you have to put in? A certain amount of ears of corn? The Bruin is nice because it is actually frightening. Imagine being out camping. On one side of the camp ground a bruin walks in, on the other side a guy is husking corn… You’d probably be frightened for the Husker. While the Husker gets us some delicious corn, he is mauled by a Bruin.
Stanford Cardinal at Army Black Knights – 9 A.M. Saturday
I have a hard time knocking Army. With that being said, I do think that they missed out on an opportunity here. Army is one of the few schools that has a mascot as its actual school name. So, why didn’t they just insert an ‘of’ into their school name? Even Army of Black Knights sounds pretty awesome. Heck, let your mascot be your home city, Army. Army of Westpoint? Army of America? Or give yourself a crazy mascot with ‘of’ before it. ‘Army of Fire-Breathing Dragons’? See what I mean. Now, Black Knights is pretty cool. Black simply refers to their jersey color way back when they got their name. Stanford, on the other hand, is either a color or a tree. Hey Stanford, Army used a color and mascot in their name! Pretty cool, huh? The tree is in awe of using a color as an adjective and gets chopped down by the knights.
Fresno State Bulldogs at Colorado Buffaloes – 11 A.M. Saturday
Some classy mascots here. Bulldogs are about the coolest dog around. Unfortunately, they aren’t the most active here. Then again, whenever I’ve seen a real life buffalo they have just been standing around. But, I’ve seen that buffalo in Colorado that storms across the field and I fear for any bulldog (or anything else) that stands in its way. Bulldog gets trampled by the Buffalo.
Boston College Golden Eagles at USC Trojans – 12 P.M.
Oh boy! What a match-up! First, a few questions. Was the eagle turned into gold? Is it still able to fly, hunt, and do everything else other eagles do? Since this is my post, I’m going to say that it is able to function as a normal eagle would. A trojan, as I’ve covered before, is a little strange as well because they don’t really exist anymore. Both of these things are pretty awesome though. Eagles are the most majestic of animals (I’d be willing to listen if you said a lion was more so) and Trojans were pretty solid warriors. Unfortunately for the human race, Trojans can’t fly and that’s what really sets the eagle apart. You get some eagles dive bombing you, do you really think you stand a chance even with a sword and metal helmet on? To a Trojan, an eagle might be even more frightening than a USC quarterback pass right now? Zing. Also, haha Lane Kiffin. Eagles dive bomb the Trojans into obscurity.
Edit: As Matthew has pointed out in the comments below, a Golden Eagle is a real bird (duh) which will make this victory even easier.
Tennessee Volunteers at Oregon Ducks – 12:30 P.M.
So to recap Oregon’s non-conference mascot schedule, they have played some racist confederate Colonels and some supporters of King Charles. Now, they get to play some people who volunteer. Well, I guess you should play to your strengths when you’re a duck. There aren’t many strengths so you schedule some awful mascots. But wait! After a little bit of research we find that the volunteer nickname is a regional relevant name that isn’t half as stupid as Corn-Huskers. Tennessee is known as the Volunteers (and the Volunteer state) because of the state’s many volunteers in the War of 1812. They played a prominent role in our country winning that war and specifically the Battle for New Orleans. You can’t pull a fast one on me, Ducks! As an aside, I have no idea why Tennessee’s mascot that dresses up is a dog. It’s named Smokey, which is regionally relevant but I don’t see a connection to the Volunteer.
Even taking the standard definition of volunteer could probably beat a duck in a fight. Even the random dog could probably beat that duck. Ducks beaten by Tennessee’s three mascots: Generic volunteer, volunteer soldier in War of 1812, and Random Dog.
Washington Huskies at Illinois Illini – 3 P.M. Saturday
Another interesting match-up (good week, although it’s not quite as exciting after this)! Huskies are one of the best dog breeds there is. The Illini is believed to be a group of tribes around the Illinois area. But, after some research, the truth comes out here. Illini is not the name of these tribes. Illiniwek is the name of six Native American tribes in the upper Mississippi River valley. The only thing with the actual name Illini is this school and an Amtrak train. Clearly, Illinois wanted to be known as the Native American tribes so why didn’t they just go with Illiniwek? It doesn’t look as good? It doesn’t roll off the tongue quite as nicely? If you’re going to honor a tribe by naming your team off of him, you better actually name your team after them. The Illini aren’t who we thought they were, Huskies win because a random train shows up and can’t fight.
Southern Utah Thunderbirds at Washington State Cougars – 3:30 P.M. Saturday
Cougars are very tough and an intimidating animal. Dang, Southern Utah! That’s an awesome mascot! The Thunderbirds. But, does it stand up to the research? Just because I want to name my next band that, doesn’t mean that your mascot gets a free pass. Here is your definition: a mythical bird thought by some North American Indians to bring thunder. Wow! Of course, the United State Air Force also uses the name Thunderbirds for an air demonstration. That’s pretty cool too. I try to be fair to the Cougars in these because I really do think they have a solid mascot that is tough but you just can’t win this one. You’re going against a bird that brings the thunder! When someone says, “Bring the thunder!” it is actually because of this bird! Thunderbirds eek out a close one, a thunderous match-up.
Ohio State Buckeyes at California Golden Bears – 4 P.M.
Oh good, a Buckeye. Are you kidding me? Ohio State is named the Buckeyes because it’s what their state tree is. We have a ‘Nebraska’ situation all over again. Buckeye is relevant to Ohio but it’s also a tree. Golden Bears are extinct, but at least they used to have the power to kill someone. Trees have to be affected by something else to have the ability to hurt anyone. Not to mention you have Brutus… What is Brutus? Is he supposed to be a standard Ohio citizen? Hasn’t someone else wondered this before? The Golden Bears claw at the tree, known as a Buckeye, until it falls down.
Oregon State Beavers at Utah Utes – 7 P.M.
The lone Pac-12 match-up brings us unique mascots but, sadly, a not very close match-up. Beavers chop down trees but I don’t really think they can chop down people. Utes are a proud Native American tribe. Native Americans usually had weapons. Beavers don’t. Utes stab Beavers repeatedly to death because they don’t give a dam. (Sorry)
Texas San-Antonio Roadrunners at Arizona Wildcats – 7:30 P.M.
You know my disdain for Wildcats. They are stupid. Roadrunners aren’t exceptionally tough but they smart and usually out-think their opponent. They are quick and usually leave behind a trail of dust. When they are escaping from their opponent, they usually mock said opponent with a noise that sounds like “Beep, beep” almost exactly like a car. Roadrunners take a break from Wile E. Coyote and defeat the Wildcats.
Wisconsin Badgers at Arizona State Sun-Devils – 7:30 P.M.
You don’t need my help on this one. Devil wins.