Football starts in about a day now and that means our weekly look at mascots is back! If you are new to this, here is how it will work. During the Pac-12 non-conference schedule, I will write down who’s playing who each week. I will then decide who will win this game based on who would win in a fight between each school’s mascot. Some of these are easy, some are more difficult. These are in no way predictions for the upcoming game. We will have our predictions for each Pac-12 game but that post will come later in the week (or later today, in this instance). This post is simply to let you know how dumb or awesome I think a school’s mascot is. You’re welcome. Once we move into conference play, I will be changing up the format and putting the mascots into competitions (like last season). Enjoy!
Utah State Aggies at Utah Utes – Thursday 5 P.M.
This is one of the few match-ups that will have you looking at Wikipedia pages for both teams. According to that website, Utah State Aggies is short for Agriculturalists. Maybe that’s common knowledge, but, if it is, I do not have common knowledge. Agriculturalists? Really? You are from Utah, but I bet you could name the team something better. As for the Utes, they are named after a Native American tribe. I tend to think of those people as tough.
Native Americans didn’t need Agriculturalists. Also, I think their weapon of choice is probably a bow and arrow. What’s an agriculturalist’s weapon of choice? A hoe? (Watch your mouth, Andrew). A map? If anyone is dumb enough to say that a common agriculturalist could conquer a Native American, please post in the comments so that I could tell you how dumb you are. The Utes win, and it’s no contest.
USC Trojans at Hawaii Rainbow Warriors – Thursday 8 P.M.
Umm… Where to begin? Trojans are some of the greatest warriors ever known. The weapon of choice seems to be a sword, a shield, or some giant wooden horse. I guess I respect the Rainbow Warrior name. Technically, the football team has chosen to be known as just the Warriors. I don’t respect that choice. The Rainbow Warriors, from the information, simply called themselves that because they had a rainbow in their logo. Can it really be that simple? Yes, I’m sure that Hawaii has some great rainbows in it, but is that a justifiable reason to just stick the word in front of another word? Probably not, but it’s pretty funny!
Picture a Trojan fighting a Rainbow Warrior? Not sure what a Rainbow Warrior looks like? Me neither and, to avoid any insults, I’m not going to post a picture of one because it would just be my opinion of what it would look like. Trojans beat the Rainbow Warriors.
Northern Arizona Lumberjacks at Arizona Wildcats – Friday 7 P.M.
I’ve got to be honest, I love the nickname Lumberjacks. The school lies near a large pine forest, so it’s a fitting nickname which is great. Consider that when the school opened it was named ‘Northern Arizona Normal School’ (you can’t make this stuff up) and this mascot name is off the charts. Wildcats, on the other hand, are barely more than a house cat. A wildcat isn’t simply in cat that is from the wild, it is a cat that lives in the wild but is roughly the size of your pet cat, Whiskers. What a wimpy mascot.
Let’s see here. A lumberjack with an axe against a cat? The cat may make it interesting for a few minutes with its quickness and claws but in the end all we have is a cat that’s cut in half. Lumberjacks win!
Nicholls State Colonels at Oregon Ducks – Saturday 4 P.M.
This one is ugly. Almost as ugly as this game will be (Nicholls State lost to OSU 77-3 last year. The Ducks might score 100). Nicholls State is named after a Confederate soldier. After realizing that this was a bit racist in 2004 (yes, it took that long) they changed their logo to, what looks like, a Nazi soldier. But, is this really as bad as a university deciding that their mascot should be a duck? Yes, it actually is. The Ducks win by default.
Eastern Washington Eagles at Oregon State Beavers – Saturday 3 P.M.
We’re starting to get into some better mascot match-ups! I love eagles. They are as beautiful and majestic as an animal can get. Plus, they are impressive hunters. I’m also fond of the Beaver as Oregon State’s mascot. As far as intimidation goes, a beaver might not be the best choice. It is unique though and that’s important. Also, let’s not undersell beavers’ accomplishments. They build entire fortresses out of sticks! I imagine that they can be feisty too, although I’ve never seen it.
As far as this battle, I don’t think a beaver can hold up to the aerial attack of an eagle. The beaver would get pecked together and wouldn’t be quick enough to defend himself. Eagles>Beavers.
Washington State Cougars at Auburn Tigers – Saturday 4 P.M.
This is the best match-up so far. Some really nice cats from the wild battle each other. Cougars are ferocious, fast and fierce. Tigers are a little bigger and pack more of a punch. Does Auburn also get the War Eagle? To be honest, I don’t really think they need it. Have you seen Life of Pi? That tiger is huge. Tigers win in a close one.
Boise State Broncos at Washington Huskies – Saturday 7 P.M.
I used to have a dog named Monte (R.I.P.). We lived pretty close to some horses and when we went on walks, Monte inevitably would go over to the horses and start to chase them. He would nip at their heels and send them into a frenzy, no matter how much we called him back. He liked the thrill. He drove those horses crazy but anyone who watched knew that he could be dead by one, well-placed hind kick from the horse. I just don’t know if the horse was coordinated enough to do it.
This is another nice mascot match. Broncos are better than just regular horses and huskies are better than just regular dogs. In the end I think we have to go with that hypothetical hind kick. Broncos win in a battle that could go on for days.
Northwestern Wildcats at California Golden Bears – Saturday 7:30 P.M.
We discovered in the mascot posts last year that Golden Bears are exactly that. There is no breed of bear called a Golden Bear anymore. They have gone extinct. Then again, Trojans have also gone extinct so I’ve decided to reverse my opinion on the Golden Bear and reinstate them in ‘Mascot Match-ups’ as the power they once were. I’ll have all season to hold the extinct thing over their head though. Really? More stupid Wildcats? Golden Bears win with one mighty swipe of the paw.
Colorado Buffaloes at Colorado State Rams – Sunday 3 P.M.
Have you ever watched a buffalo run straight towards a ram? That would be more interesting than this actual football game. The ram’s horns are a nice weapon but they simply can’t match the size and speed of the buffalo. If a buffalo runs straight at you, you are probably going to die. Buffaloes crush Rams.