It’s been a few weeks since we’ve talked about mascots. I’m sorry about that because writing 1,500-2,000 word posts about mascots is worth everyone’s time.
Now that we’ve moved into conference play, it is time to name a category and then rank the Pac-12 mascots in that category. That brings us to what the opening category of the 2013 football season should be. Javelin throwing? Nah. Carpentry? I don’t think so.
If you have read my mascot posts before you know that I value intimidation when determining how awesome a mascot is. But, that shouldn’t be the end all. Having a mascot that’s endearing has some value, as well. If you can strike 70/30 intimidation to endearment ratio then you’ve nailed it. Anyway, today’s mascot rankings are based on how well the mascot would be your friend. Seems simple enough. Let’s get this started!
12. Arizona State Sun Devils – Well, this is about as obvious as can be. Usually I have to make up fake excuses why the Devil shouldn’t win these contests every week (try to forget I said that by next week) but this week they easily finish last. It’s hard to think of anything less friendly than the devil. There probably isn’t anything. You lose!
11. Oregon Ducks – What can a duck do for you. All they do is float around, eat your bread, and make an annoying sound. Of course, they won’t really hurt you either which is the only reason they finish above the devil. At least the devil will give you short-term benefits for your soul. The duck gives no benefit it just doesn’t ruin your life. Donald Duck is kind of funny.
10. 9. Washington State Cougars – I do like the Cougar mascot but it doesn’t bode well for them here. Cougars are hardly ever seen as friendly and wouldn’t make a great pet. The odds of catching and training a Cougar are pretty low in my opinion. They would be very helpful hunters if you did though. Credit where credit is due. 9. 8. Stanford Cardinal – This is about as far as a tree has ever made it in these rankings. The truth is, a tree isn’t the worst company. Sometimes they give us nice snacks. They give us nice shade on a hot day or a little bit of cover in the rain. They always provide a place to lean and rest our legs. That is all pretty nice and I’d rate them higher if they weren’t a tree. I mean, seriously? Your mascot is a tree? Trees can have benefits but in the end they just turn into dead leaves and some wood. 7. 6. Cal Golden Bears and UCLA Bruins (tie) – I know what you’re thinking. “You have a cougar back in the rankings because of its ferocity but you have bears 3 places ahead?” Fair point. Counter points: Have you seen those Coke commercials with the cute polar bears? Have you ever seen the movie Brave where the bear is really the mother of the main character and their relationship is much better once she’s turned into a bear? Have you ever heard the term ‘bear hug’? What about the bears in Anchorman who let the news team live once they’ve had a thoughtful debate with Baxter (the dog)? There are many examples of bears overcoming their natural angry instincts and being the cozy, cuddly creature that we’d like them to be. Because of that they finish 7th. 6. 10. Arizona Wildcats – Wildcats are essentially house cats that aren’t tamed and live in the wild. Can you think of anything that’s more annoying than that? Stop biting my ankles you dumb cat! I changed my mind, move these dumb things to number 10 and move everything else up a spot.
5. USC Trojans – Trojans are actual humans so that shot them up the list pretty easily. But from what we know about Trojans, they killed a lot of people. I don’t have a lot of trust there. Of course, conversation is a nice thing to have and that’s why USC is up at number 5 and not lower.
4. Colorado Buffaloes – I don’t really know why…
3. Oregon State Beavers – Beavers have given us something that we have really put to use, dams! That’s important! Thanks Beavers! Also, I was walking by a river once and a beaver was just hanging out there. He let me get pretty close to him and take his picture. He seemed nice and since I’ve always had a nice relationship with those furry friends.
2. Utah Utes – I don’t know much about the Utes history even after extensive Wikipedia research. They finish 3 spots above the other humans because they aren’t known for wars and killing a bunch of people by using a fake wooden horse. The Utes must have been fine people and are well-respected in Utah. Conversation is a nice thing to have and the Utes could probably supply some form of that.
1. Washington Huskies – I have to admit as Mascot Rankings Commissioner that I picked a category that the Huskies would win this week. I apologize but it seemed fitting during ‘Duck Week’. Dogs are man’s best friend. They are loyal, happy, and somewhat helpful. It’s just hard to beat a dog.